I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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