Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
