So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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