its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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