he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize