haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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