im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
