no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
