He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
