the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
