Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
