Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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