I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The beer is more important than you right now.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
