I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
