two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
