come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
