I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
