No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
