Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
