Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
