Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
