I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
