3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
