I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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