i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
