Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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