totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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