I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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