No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
