cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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