I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I want to be your penis for a week.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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