Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
