I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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