I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i drank out of a bidet.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
