i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
