I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
