true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My ass is underappreciated
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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