Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
