I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
