Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
