There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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