I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
