1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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