Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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