I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
