I look better un-naked...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
