There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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