I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
where are my eyebrows?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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