Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
