When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize