I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
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