Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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