you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
