we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
