Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize