I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
