Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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