I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
