he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
