I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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