If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
