that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i think we sleep fucked last night...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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