ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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