The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
