It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
