it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
