I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize