Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
