i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
