You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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