I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
