I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
